Why you become what you hate
Napoleon Bonaparte rose to power as a defender of the French Revolution's ideals of liberty and opposition to tyranny. But, as he established himself as Emperor, he embodied the characteristics of a dictator, centralising power and engaging in expansionist wars across Europe; he became an increasing reflection of the very monarchies he once opposed.
Becoming the very thing you hate from mimicking behaviour you dislike is a very common problem you may find yourself ambushed with. It seems so illogical, but it has been explored through philosophy and psychology. To get an understanding of this, we will lay out the traps and solutions. Preventing you from becoming what you despise and developing undesirable character traits that repel others.
Don’t gaze into the abyss
“If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you,” Nietzsche says. He argued that if we focus on our enemies, we become more and more like them. Consuming yourself with hatred or frustration by concentrating on an unlikeable character trait of someone else only risks you adopting it. As Epictetus says, “You become what you give your attention to.” You end up hyper-observing the behaviours you dislike. Morphing into the thing you hate.
It’s like someone telling you, “Don’t drop the ball.” Now all you can think about is not dropping the ball; that is exactly what happens.
Nietzsche advises us to admire our enemies. By observing their qualities, you can improve yourself and grow stronger. In other words, don’t try and avoid becoming what you hate. Instead, try becoming what you like.
Displacement
The concept of displacement was originally developed by Sigmund Freud and his daughter Anna Freud; they function to unconsciously protect the ego from discomfort or distress. Although many Freudian theories have been disproven over time, defense mechanisms like displacement have endured.
Displacement is a defence mechanism that makes you take your frustration out on les threatening others rather than the person that made you frustrated in the first place. Being abused by your boss might lead to you taking it out on your significant other. Being beaten as a kid might lead to you taking it out on your classmates.
A fear of vulnerability is what makes this particularly dangerous. You may resist acknowledging your own flaws, leading you to project these areas you don’t consciously know about yourself onto others. This can create a façade of strength or superiority, which ironically can lead to the very behaviours you initially sought to avoid.
Because you can’t put yourself in a temporary position of weakness to acknowledge them. You obliviously mirror the terrible actions that wronged you before.
Perceived reward
Behaving in a way you've experienced. You might bully someone because you have seen other people get rewarded for that kind of behaviour, despite your not agreeing with it.
Acting in a way that is against your morals will become tempting when you see it lead to the social acceptance of others. The desire to fit in with a certain group can make you conform to their ideals, leading to a loss of authenticity and the adoption of negative behaviours.
Spooks
Max Stirner advised us to be aware of “spooks.” — Abstract concepts or social constructs that don’t exist in objective reality yet control our thoughts and actions—he argues that society, its institutions, and all its norms are spooks. They don’t exist unless we agree they exist.
People you label as enemies might actually be spooks. They are real individuals, but them being your enemies might be a construct society has imposed upon you—harassing the self. They don’t have to be your enemies. It just so happens that their objectives don’t align with your cultures. They are spooks that have a hold on your life, and you begin to obsess over them.
Spooks are in the political left and right. If you weren't told that one side was the enemy, you likely wouldn’t consider them to be. You probably wouldn’t have even separated them into “sides” in the first place.
By rejecting spooks, you can free yourself from external constraints and expectations. You can act according to your own desires and interests instead of being bound to societies.
To conclude
The complex interplay of human psychology, societal norms, and personal experiences often leads us to adopt behaviours and attitudes that may not truly reflect who we are or who we want to be. By being mindful of these psychological and social influences, we can better navigate our interactions with others, avoid becoming what we hate, and live more authentically aligned with our true selves and values.
